nayyirahwaheed

When it is but it aint


Some of us love badly. Sometimes the love is the type of love that implodes. Folds in on itself. Eats its insides. Turns wine to poison. Behaves poorly in restaurants. Drinks. Kisses other people. Comes back to your bed at 4am smelling like everything outside. Asks about your ex. Is jealous of your ex. Thinks everyone a rival. Some of us love others badly, love ourselves worse. Some of us love horrid, love beastly. Love sick love anti light. Sometimes the love can’t go home at night, can’t sleep with itself cannot contain itself, catches fire, destroys the belly, strips buildings, goes missing. Punches. Smashes heirlooms. Tells lies. The best lies. Fucks around. Writes poems, impresses people. Chases lovers into corners. Leaves them longing. Sea sick. Says yes. Means anything but. Tricks the body. Kills the body. Dances wild and walks away, smiling.

It took me a long time to find out that it’s okay for me to be here. It is just okay. So I don’t have to impress anyone. Neither I need anyone’s approval. It seems silly to say this out loud but it makes a lot of difference on how you face the world you live in, and how you build your relationships.
My beloved RuPaul says the same thing. 

It took me a long time to find out that it’s okay for me to be here. It is just okay. So I don’t have to impress anyone. Neither I need anyone’s approval. It seems silly to say this out loud but it makes a lot of difference on how you face the world you live in, and how you build your relationships.

My beloved RuPaul says the same thing. 

I, like everybody, love my family and friends, pets and ice-cream.

So, when you have lived enough to realize that life, and all that is involved in this world, is a hoax, an illusion, how do you not become bitter? How do you level that off not to become so jaded about everything that you can’t even leave the house in the morning?

It helps a lot surrounding yourself with the right people. The thing is, how to know who the “right” ones are? Easy to say, hard to do. But every action causes a reaction, then what you have to do is keep looking until you can say, “Yes, this is my ‘right’ people.”

You do find throughout the years people that make you feel good just by their presence. It’s sort of a silent good vibration. Also, they tend to be the ones who give you good advice. People that are always making you face your demons are not good. The demons are yours, you decide when to face them or not. Good advice has to make you feel… good!

These right people will be loyal to you without being asked for that. These people are honest, they tell you not what you wanna hear, but what you need to.

And life, besides being a fallacy, is also purely random. So you have to keep looking for your possy, your right people, even if they might be just one or three people, because, as years go by, you’re gonna see that it’s always about quality, never quantity.

If you feel like this is all stupid and boring, good. Stop reading this and keep living your life not worrying about its falseness. Who cares, right? If you don’t care, nobody cares either. You can find solace in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, fake relationships, the amount of money you make in a year, your accomplishments, your own personal poppy field, like in “Wizard of Oz”. It’s your life.

But if you ever feel like it’s just not right, what to do?